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Would
this be meat?... or just the concept of meat? Roger says, either way it's good
eats !
See? Had you come to the mid-season outings, all of that might
have made sense to you. |
On a
golfing trip, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental
train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At
1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to
bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just
for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he
exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own f**king blanket!" After a moment
of silence, he farted.
A wife asked her husband, "When I die, will you quit playing
golf?" The husband replies, "It will take a while to get over it, but
eventually I'll probably play again." She asks again, "If you remarry, will you
marry another woman who plays golf?" He replies, "Yes, I probably will." Again
she asks, "Will you give her my clubs?" The husband replies, "No, she's
left-handed."
| Guy comes to a water hole and only has two balls left -- an old
one and a new one. Naturally, he tees up the old ball. A voice from above
booms: "Pick up the old ball .... tee up the new ball." He picks up the old
ball, tees up the new one and gets ready to swing. The voice from above is
heard again: "First, take a practice swing." Guy takes a practice swing. Voice
from above: "Tee up the old ball." |
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Two
friends were playing golf when one pulls out a cigar and asks his friend if he
has a lighter. 'I sure do,' the friend replies proudly, reaching into his golf
bag and pulling out a huge 12 inch Bic lighter. 'Holy cow!' says his friend,
'where did you get that monster.' 'I got it from my genie.' 'You have a genie?'
he asks. 'Yes, he's right here in my golf bag.' So he opens his golf bag and
out pops the genie. The friend says, 'I'm a good friend of your master. Will
you grant me one wish?' 'Yes I will,' the genie says. So the guy asks for a
million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and suddenly the sky is
filled with an enormous flock of ducks. 'Wait," says the man, "I asked for a
million bucks not a million ducks!' 'Oh yeah," says his buddy, "I shoulda told
you... the genie is hard of hearing. Did you really think I asked for a 12 inch
Bic?'
|
 A man entered the bus with both of his
front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed
it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked ... "Does it hurt as much
as tennis elbow?" |
A couple
of buddies ran into each other at the 19th hole one afternoon. One of the men
had a large bandage wrapped around his head. Needless to say, the other was
quite curious and demanded the details of what had happened. Over a couple of
cold ones, the man with the bandage told his tale.
"Two days ago I came out to the
club real early to play a round. At that hour
 there's not too many people on the course; in fact, the only one
I saw was this lady who was playing ahead of me. Anyway, I was hitting them
really well - right up until I got to the 7th hole. Just as I was teeing off a
bird squawked and I hooked it right into the cow pasture next to the fairway. I
grabbed a club and climbed the fence to look for my ball. The lady I told you
about was over there looking for her ball as well. I looked, but I couldn't
find that stupid ball anywhere and the lady didn't seem to be having any better
luck. Then I noticed this one cow. She seemed to be in pain or something, so I
went over to take a look at her. At first I couldn't see anything wrong, but
then I lifted her tail. Sure enough, there was a ball stuck you-know-where.
Well, I checked the make, but it wasn't mine. So, I yelled out, 'Hey, lady,
does this look like yours?' And that's when she hit me with a five iron."
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Two guys
were playing a cart game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first guy
sliced his way off to the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart track.
His opponent smashed it straight down the middle. "Oh well," said the first player, "I should get a drop off there." "Heck no," said his
playing partner."We play the ball as it lies." "OK," said the first guy, as he
dropped his opponent off in the middle of the fairway. The second guy found the
green, and could not resist smiling as he saw sparks coming off the cart path
for the practice swings. Finally the guy hitting off the cart path addressed
his ball and swung it well, leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin. Upon
returning, the guy in the middle of the fairway commented, "That was a great
shot ... what club did you use?" "Your 6 iron," was the reply. |
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A woman
is playing golf one morning when she tees-off and watches in horror as her ball
heads directly toward a man playing the next hole and then hits him. The man
clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground and proceeds to
roll around in agony. Rushing down to the man, the woman apologizes, then
explains that she is a physical therapist and immediately begins to massage his
groin.
"Does that feel better?" she asks.
"Yeah, that feels pretty good,"
says the man, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."
|
 A man is teeing off when his wife trips, falling
in front of him just as he strikes the ball. The ball buries in her forehead.
Later at the hospital, the surgeon comes out of surgery to discuss his wife's
injuries.
"Your wife will
be fine," the doctor says. "But I am a bit confused. I understand how the first
ball became imbedded in your wife's forehead, but I am a curious about the
second ball we had to remove from her ass."
"That would be my Mulligan," says the
man.
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The same
guy is playing golf with his wife again when he pulls his drive WAY left behind
a large barn. Upon approaching the barn and examining all possible shots, the
man says, "Yaknow, I'll bet that if I opened this big door and the big door at
the other end I could just scoot this ball right thru there!" So he opens the
doors, lines up his shot and shanks it. The ball misses the door, hits the
barn, ricochets off, hitting his wife right between the eyes, instantly killing
her.
A
year later the guy is playing the same Par 4 hole with a good friend. The
friend makes his drive, pulling it WAY left behind the same barn. Remarkably,
upon reaching the ball, his friend says, "Yaknow, I'll bet that if I opened
this big door and the big door at the other end I could just scoot this ball
right thru there!"
The
man is chagrinned. "Oh my God, NO!!" he says. "Don't do that!!! Last year I
took a SIX!!!"
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A
man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter. "Ah",
says St.Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the
pearly gates here, but looking thru my records I see that one time you got a
little angry and said the 'F' word, didn't you?"
"Yes", says the man:, "but
it was only one time."
"Well," says St
Peter, "I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating
circumstances."
"I said the `F' word
when I was playing golf," says the man.
St Peter smiles. "Oh,
so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Please continue."
"Well, I was playing in a
tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my
drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had
chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..."
St. Peter nods. "And THAT'S when you said the
`F' word?"
"Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron
shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a
sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..."
"Ah, I see," says St. Peter, "So you said the `F' word then, didn't
you?"
"Well, no, not exactly, becasue just as the bird
got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the
ball towards the green where it landed. It started to roll towards the cup
when, all of a sudden, a squirrel jumps onto the green and charges for my my
ball..."
"Goodness!" says St. Peter, "And you, of course,
said the `F' word"
"Um, no, you see the
squirrel sorta pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just
about 2 inches from the cup. So I grabbed my putter..."
"Wait, don't tell me," says St Peter, " You did NOT miss that f**king
putt, did you??"
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| A face only a ... well, not even her. |
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